I am anxious. I am a mess. I am an anxious mess. How do I know that? Never mind the sinking feeling in my stomach that shows up spontaneously, or the procrastinating as a form of coping. How else do I know?
Look around my home.
I currently live in a 1 bedroom studio loft (there is another room with a door (that does not go to the ceiling which is 15′ high and is lacking a closet). It is beautiful. 135 year old hardwood floors. Brick walls 20″ thick, exposed to the interior. Windows so tall that I have to have two levels of blinds and I can’t reach the pulls for the top ones. Exposed pipes original to the building, a converted textile mill.
Oh, wait. You can’t see that?? Well, that’s probably because of all of the junk on my dining room table. There’s also the boxes on the floor. Surfaces covered with clutter that could easily be put away but, wait, no, I don’t want to deal with that, I want to binge Hulu instead. If I focus on The Handmaid’s Tale then all I will see is the beauty on screen and not the horror behind me.
I keep putting off dealing with these things because Hulu is easier. Take-out is easier. Confronting the clutter is actually confronting myself, and THAT is never easy.
My apartment was beautiful at one point, and then my life started going to pot one bit at a time. I also do not hold myself accountable. The thought of “I won’t watch La La Land until I get this dining room table cleared off” just won’t work. This literally happened today and as soon as I got to my front door with the disc in hand, I thought “you know? You should just watch it now. It’s easier”.
Luckily I’ve been meditating and I was able to notice that thought. It is probably a thought I have had numerous times in my life but never noticed. It caught me off guard.
My anxiety level has been a roller-coaster, and I find that writing it down in here helps. Putting words to wordless feelings and emotions, just like when I note things as I meditate, is helping me to recenter myself; to focus.
So now that the anxiety has temporarily abated, the work begins.